Two-way Mirror

ever feel like the life you know is the biggest downfall when growing into the life you want. As a child imagining your future was a game, a wild and perfect fantasy.
Someone once asked me what is my passion. What drives me. I didn't have an answer to that. At that moment I wanted more then anything to know who I am. I wanted to tell that person my passions, my goals, the truth about what I want. Like every other human being I want happiness, success, security.. all these things that are the natural need of anyone. Most people have the road map to their success, their happiness, their security, but I dont. I have taken each day since I was paused by that question to figure out my passions. I have been searching for the big picture in my life.
Come to find out I am passionate about many things, little things that never really stood out as "passion" worthy. But that is who we all are. We find those small subtle habits in our lives that define the core of our passions. The part of ourselves that reflect our foundation. I never thought I would be passionate about how I apply my make- up or the order in which I tell a story. I hadn't taken the time to find the things others notice about me important or special. Those are the traits within me that are undeniably my biggest fans. Rooting for me to win the battle between good and evil, between ambition and justification.
My whole life I have been driven and motivated by something beyond visibility or even identification. A compilation of the moments that replay in my mind after I lay my head down at night, the words that change how I see a person. Those are the scenes I cross my fingers for because that is the reality behind what I defend. I wish I had the answers, I wish my whole life was a hilarious blog post. But I am accepting that life has its laughs and it has its tears. Finding peace in the loss and holding tight to the sweetness before the goodbyes is how we become okay with whatever curve balls come our way. I am in the decision making stages of my life that can make or break my future. "Finding myself" seems like such a cliche but in all reality that is what I am in search of.. myself. My desires, my passions and my path to a place in my mind where I feel close to what really creates true joy.

You know the middle of the feel good movies where some inspirational song is playing and the bottom ranked team goes to #1 ranked just within the second chorus? The montage that makes every underdog the hero? I need a montage. A chorus. A series of minute long events that change the best possible outcome of my life.
I have recently realized that just a few words or even thoughts can change the actions and complete mindset of a person. As school started again and everyone moved back I would sit in a public place and watch person after person walk by. Each having their own story and background that made them who they are and led them to that exact spot in that exact moment. Do people enter our lives for a small period of time to help us grow? Are they meant to change us forever? Maybe we should treat everyone we meet as a gift to help us discover our weak points and show us the strengths we may not realize.

I have lived on my own one year exactly. I have seen friends disappear from my life, I have watched those around me grow and improve. So much change. Beautiful, uncontrollable differences. Up until a year ago I thought I would always know the familiar people in my life. I struggle with the process of becoming what I need to be. I thought I shaped who I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and in most areas I stand firm in what I believe and do- like religion. But there are constant changes when it comes to certain people in my life. I don't even understand it, I can't bring myself to make a final decision about what will make me the happiest. And I struggle with the question of what matters more, making myself happy or making others happy. I would like to believe that there is a 'happy' medium so to speak. But I am finding out the hard way that's not always the case.
I believe we find the greatest version of ourselves in the midst of change and confusion. Our reaction to the unfamiliar. The things in our heads that we never say out loud. That is where the truth about our hearts hide.

I write what I think but I don't always show it. I say what I want to know but I don't always believe it.
When a lie to myself becomes a truth, I have reason to worry, I have cause to search for meaning.
My passion is myself, my motivation is building what I know I should b
Life is a two-way mirror... What are you seeing.

It's all changing. [on a serious note]

ever feel like you're conquering your biggest fear every day? Like what used to threaten your happiness is now building it up to a whole new height? Goodbyes used to scare me to death! I would avoid them like the plague because a goodbye meant a change. A change in how I felt, what I did, who I was... adjusting to something new seems like a challenge but letting go of what was once there is a far more challenging thing. There is a huge gap between being a teen and an adult, there is no one second when you transform. I believe we become adults on the journey to finding ourselves. In taking on responsibility and experiences that may be painful to accept. I am at the bottom of a very steep hill to growing up. The past eight months have been unreal. I have had two jobs (one of which I still have thank goodness) I have taken on so much and the child I was eight months ago is looking at me with wide eyes in amazement. I watch the traffic outside my kitchen window and wonder where each one of those cars is headed. It is so easy to feel insignificant to the world, I'm ten years from an associates, I live paycheck to paycheck, I'm the only single nineteen year old this side of the west hemisphere, and I'm losing my hair [okay I just added that for dramatic effect] but you know what... I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so small in comparison to the world, even Orem, Utah but I'm doing great things for my small existence. That is all any of us can do. I'm realizing every day what is really important, right now is the time to try new things and find myself in the difference of every day. A car payment and rent every month may take up every last dime but the feeling of independence is priceless. The fear of that independence was right up there with my fear of separation but I am doing it. I am making the change that I once turned my head to. The other day someone told me "You just have to be okay with who you are on your own, find the strength in yourself to wake up every morning and decide to be happy," and that is so true. Friends come and go, roommates become your family only temporarily. I just have to be okay with that. As two of my roommates moved out I held back tears and hid the fear of saying goodbye. A great life awaits both of them and I couldn't be happier for them. It took nineteen years to realize this but my fears are selfish. I know now that it is okay to say goodbye, it is alright to change. I shouldn't fear improvement in myself.
I deactivated my facebook for a month and I can't begin to tell you how much I didn't miss it. I made some great friends meanwhile and prioritized everything in my life. I decided to step out of "the loop" and into myself. Every day has had a valuable lesson.
I had to reactivate it so I can stop missing out on family time ;)
This time I mean it when I say I'm back to blogging!
WHOOHOO!
Up coming events:
A segment on customer service :/ never a dull moment in pleasing strangers!
Stay Tuned.

Back on the Horse.

ever feel like one time in an alternate universe you had a blog that had consistent readers? Yeah me too. Except it was this universe, and as for the consistent reader thing...well... not so much. However, the hobby of blogging was becoming very therapeutic. I could complain to people without being charged by the hour. I actually got to the point where I chose to blog over homework, sleep, showering... . . .okay let's get real! Just homework. Well I fell off the face of the blogging earth one day. I drown in a black hole of homework and a new job and being super awesome!!... So here is a brief update on the rad happenings in my over dramatic, struggle to become the next AMERICAN IDOL!!!!WHOOO!
 Uh...
These are the Top 12 Things Worth Bringing Up:
#1: I learned some "pop culture" [a.k.a] Peewee Herman is indeed one white guy. Not two Mexican men.( I may or may not have gotten confused with Cheech & Chong. I have a really good excuse though) Regardless, I am well educated now.
#2: I was voted UVU's Least Graceful Woman 2011. I did mention in my acceptance speech my consecutive & very publicly humiliating episodes of tripping over myself, ripping my jeans and bluntly waving to people I know, but who clearly didn't feel mutual. :/
#3: I was employed and quit/got fired within two months from the national unmatching, blast from the hideous past, "Fashion Forward" clothing store Forever21. I spent my 8 hour shifts patting down hangers in the entire store and it so conveniently happens to be the largest store in the mall next to Macy's. I was sure lovin' my new style consisting a mixture of  purple cotton socks, red leather pants, black lace top, a green scarf, a grey fedora, a brown vest and  a HUGE smile :/ not...lets just say I am again on the job hunt... in normal clothes.
#4: Brunette is the new blonde.
#5: I'm of legal age to purchase tobacco in the state of Utah. I think?
#6: It is now the year of the end of the world...
#7: I had a life changing experience that helped me realize.. I'm broke!![The Laundry Endeavor.. needless to say $1.25 for a wash is outrageous! I was being thrifty by checking the couch cushions for loose change... judge as you may]
#8: I missed the universal proposal day! All my friends are getting married and just because I slept in I don't get to send out announcements informing relatives to come back even though they were just here four months ago for my High School Graduation. Darn. Oh well I can just try again next year when this years seniors get married.
#9: I have become an avid and accomplished maker of bunt cakes.. HA. No just guacamole. I don't bake anything that requires more then these two steps..pour and stir.
#10: My family moved and didn't leave a forwarding address...
#11: I was kidding about the forwarding address. But they did move.
#12: I have watched so many episodes of friends I caught myself considering asking Ross out for a drink at the Central Perk....
[I won't even attempt to explain myself on that one]

Okay well I guess barely even 2 of those were worth mentioning.. ha. Well I just got a laugh out of how much of your time I just wasted with that sad excuse of a list. Clearly the raw material that deserves it's own reality T.V. series. So much more potential then the life updates of three filthy, filthy rich sisters.

On a more serious note...
 is where you write serious things. :)
So lets get into the talk of the new year.
365 Days. What do we all plan to do this year? Lose weight, Get a raise at work, Get your associates degree, Work on your relationship, Paint the house, Travel the country.
Well These are a joke in my life.
Lose weight: Easy.. there is no food in the house, I have no choice.
Get a raise: Get a job.
Associates: Ha! with my math classes alone I will be in school until it's no one's business.
As for the relationship: I don't even need to bother for two years :( Some would consider me lucky!
The house: is an apartment.
And Travel: Yeah!... Yes I'm gonna do it! :)  See ya!
............ . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .
We all know that won't happen. For two important reasons 1: Duh! and 2: I get motion sick when I look up too fast. Yes look.
So I am back on the horse now. Back to blogging and my dreams of becoming a famous blogist, blogger... whatever.
I hope you all had lovely holidays and this is my belated Christmas present to you :) I'M BACK!

Oh you know..just bein' a Bum.

ever feel like such a bum? I do!.. . . right now.. and yesterday and the last almost 19 years of my under productive life.  As I sit here listening to "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt [Yeah my Celine Dion Pandora radio station] not only am I feeling a little awkward considering the background music but I all the sudden am having an epiphany! Growing up is fun! but it sucks too. It must be the Refreshing Freedom! but then there's the endless responsibility.. or the Fabulous Freedom! with a side of bills, or all of the great Freedom! not to mention all the great stresses of wondering what to wear to find a man to take all the responsibilities and to pay all the bills. Ahh there's the main priority! I remember telling myself " When I'm in collage I'll wear all the newest most trendy clothes and shop for food at the health food store!" HA! Amazing how reality kicks you right in the face! Yes, you can recently find me at the local 32nd ward "munch and mingle" twice a month stocking my pockets, purse and depending on the main course my bra.  I'm in the 39th ward. But I don't mind shaking someone else's bishop's hand for next weeks dinner. Didn't you hear stake activities are the new health food store :/ I have to laugh when I look through my closet. Remember the newest trends I was going to have? Me either! I suppose what I do have can be mistaken for a $260.95 Buckle tissue paper in the right light. I mean I couldn't even blow my nose on the material they make you take out a loan to purchase. So when I look into my closet I see.. . . . Nothing. Then I look down into the packed bucket containing a very waded up mixture of 'clean', 'dirty', and 'still smalls clean' laundry. And yes, laundry bucket is the new closet! Anyway, I have become better at the 'sniff, shake and spray' method then I care to admit. Let's just say I am looking forward to hoodie season. There's that life altering issue. which is more dramatic then needed but I am on the freshman slacker program which means the few times a semester I actually do laundry, it's with daddy's quarters. Hence me on the constant job search!
Applying for a job is a joke in this town due to the two colleges within such a small area. Not to mention the more righteous competition down the hill.. . . . So on that note.. . . . I am unemployed, broke and using a 2 in 1 shampoo/ conditioner combo. I asked my dad what I should be for Halloween and he so cleverly responded with this gem of an answer " Rich." He has always had such creative costume ideas. I will just throw on my knock-off tissue paper V-neck and call it good since I am living on my dad's pocket book for now. oh I'm rich alright! Rich with love for the college life!
I pride myself on mastering the art of survival. It's a method I like to call the 'Smile, Share, To-Go Box, Call' Allow me to break it down for you: You Smile and get his attention... you Share your number.. Share your time and go to dinner... grab a To-Go Box.. then Call it a success and Call it a night! This is usually great for weekends when you already spent your allowance from dad on a triple run to Yogurt Land at midnight. But it is key to remember: buffets are usually taboo! you can  only eat so much in one sitting and you cannot take anything to go for tomorrows lunch! Tragic I know! Luckily if you can peg the right guy they won't even consider the buffet :) That's the beauty of such a large variety of men! I guess everything has its ups and down. The down side to the diversity of men is the ratio: for every normal guy there are six unbearably weird ones. Yes I have on occasion eves dropped on the wrong conversation between two.. . . . odd individuals. There is never a dull moment during my day.
Funny how in a small town like Richfield [where I grew up and went to school] I always tried to look good! But then I relocate to a big city full of opportunity and new people and I don't bother to wash my hair regularly. Why am I not putting all my energy into making a good rep for myself?? These are the questions I must ask myself as a college student. It is definitely one of the two options: 1) The uncontrolled result of being so overwhelmed with the pressures of adulthood and growing into a responsible, well rounded citizen? or 2) Faith that no matter how bad you look there is someone out there who adores the fact you just rolled out of bed and spent more time reheating last nights pizza for breakfast than brushing your hair? hmmm? It's safe to say I fall under #2! I have yet to meet another soul [aside from my roommate Amy/Emily] who assists me in populating the 2nd option. I suppose I should say I am slowly, very slowly.. but surely getting to #1!! And hey if not well.. . . . I always heard it's the thought that counts.. . . . Okay bad example of that cliche.
And now in conclusion I would like to say that I am learning the ways of a college student.. . . . granted they aren't the more classy nor effective of the adaptation methods but I vow to one day be organized, prepared and only attend my own ward "munch and mingle"...Ha!
Okay don't bet on that last one :)

My second Family! [and the more exciting one in my opinion]

Ever feel like the world is expecting a great blog from you? The problem is I don't have that exciting of a life. I am just a friendless, jobless and hilariously clueless college girl with too many class fees, past due assignments and non effective acne creams:/ Therefore, the pressure's on to find some new life changing topics to charm all the star-struck readers back home! Then I thought to myself... I have something AMAZING to blog about, right in front of me! How could I be so foolish?! She goes by the name of Amy Lindsay Heslop. Also known as Khloe, Alice, Emily, and Ames. What an entertaining read... my roommate in all her glory! I say cheers! "Cheers to the freakin' weekend" traditionally blasting on University Parkway, Cheers to the all night Mexican food binges, to every weird and genius plot to cause epic awkward on the shuttle, to the men we so intently discuss as if we have a chance, to the 'under 20 mentality' jokes we constantly crack and are the only two laughing, and most importantly cheers to the short month and a half we have known each other! We burp and announce bodily functions way to openly! NOTHING is sacred anymore. I must say sleeping in the same room as a complete stranger is rather bonding. Her insane grandpa snore can really encourage roommate affection--not!...... I think I could make a fortune by charging people to enter the "who's snore is it anyway" contest in apartment A1235. I could even cleverly hold it at 12:35 a.m. while Emily--oh.. . . .  I mean Amy is sleeping! Okay, bad idea! Granted it would be a Village weeknight hit! But I love her to much to expose her to such a crowd, Especially in our room.. . . . that would require me to clear a path.. . . . That's not happening... sooooo back to brainstorming. I do appreciate her though mostly cause she actually uses the stove! for something more then ramen too! Fabulous isn't it. There is never a dull nor hungry moment around this girl. Not only is the home-cooked meal a perk but she cleans up her mess as well! They don't make them like that anymore. She is indeed a gem. Partake:

That's Amy Heslop! Creepin behind me as usual! ;)

Me and Amy indeed have quite the times! College is an unpredictable world! We pretty much own it! mhmm.. yeah okay we are at the bottom of the totem pole at this point.. but I hear admitting it is the first step in overcoming it!? We intend to be a big deal someday!
I have a whole new family up here! There is a constant inside joke hovering in the air! I can't even tell you how lively our apartment is until 4 a.m. I have met more people from the 'knock and walk' system in my house then I could even imagine meeting in the halls of the university. Of course 96.3% of these random introductions in my living room are with the male species [not that I'm complaining] It's fun to walk out of the shower in nothing but a towel and dripping hair to a herd of returned missionaries.. Nothing like it :/ But if you knew my roommates well enough you would definitely understand how 'regular Joe' it is to have a tell all see all lifestyle. It has been grand central station day in and day out around here! [Huge adjustment for me. Back home having company at the house meant someone passed away or... well... let's just say we never had very happy visitors] I have become rather comfortable with the endless traffic of diverse men.  I suspect because of my five Beautiful, PSYCHO and yet Fabulous roommates, each having their own 'special' traits.
Take Rhiannon for example.. She is originally from England and she actually has a real [non 007] accent! You know the one all american boys will drool at the thought of?? Yeah! Let's just say she is very popular in the complex , especially with her many and rare experiences living abroad! She parades quite the variety of men through the apartment.. recently its the Marine :) Oh Yum!..anyway.. Then there is Randi.. The accomplished wedding planner/business woman, the petite busy-body with a charm no guy could resist! Who wouldn't chase a catch like that! Let's not forget Lauren.. The hilariously cultured, walking contradictory of stereotypes. I cant remember a time in the last month and a half I haven't completely died of laughter in her presence.. I especially adore some of her very 'coffee shop' habits like: actually driving to Barnes & Noble with full intent to sit down and read, and enjoy it!! Cute right! And my personal favorite.. "going for sushi" Yes! she actually finds the best place in town, suits up and "goes for sushi!" I am loving it! I feel like I am in an episode of 'Friends' with a better wardrobe around this one! There isn't a mixture of words to describe the next little treat in the apartment.. Carly.. anything I say about Carly will be an insulting understatement to her constant 24/7 mobile volume, her permanent smile and her intense gift to flip her thick brown hair while dominating the room, regardless of its size or its college student capacity. Then there is me and the one and only Amy, Emily, Khloe, Alice and Ames Heslop!  I have found it a true blessing to live with these priceless P.M.S.ing treasures! Not to mention their 7 dwarfs EACH. This is the only math you will see me do so you may want to take note of it: 5x7=35 men per day in this poor apartment. And on rare occasion there is one there for me :/. At any rate the personalities, looks and mental stability of this plethora range from boy to R.M., peter to perv, tomato to tomato, dumb to dumber and smokin' hot to just smokin' pot. Classy I know.
And I thought Sevier county had it all.. . . .
However, there are those bonding moments when the door and the windows are wide open; the cool, rainy air is flowing in and we are making fresh avocado while Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes is quietly serenading the roomies but annoying me in the background [Dad, this is where I apply your famous words "Suffer in Silence"]Aside from that ...Those are the true bonding moments... Those are the times "I'm Lovin' the mood!" :) I wouldn't trade my 2nd family for anything or anyone.. . . . except Chad Micheal Murray.. . . . or a new car.. . . . and $50 in gas for the new car..or even $50 in gas for my car!
Hey it's every man for himself!....

Actually judging by the track record in this apartment I think it's safe to say there isn't a single man by himself!.. . .   Shoot I'm funny.

From left to right: Rhiannon (English)
Randi(Successful) Carly (Psycho) Amy (Fabulous)
Lauren (Trendy) Me (Duh!:)





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