ever feel like the life you know is the biggest downfall when growing into the life you want. As a child imagining your future was a game, a wild and perfect fantasy.
Someone once asked me what is my passion. What drives me. I didn't have an answer to that. At that moment I wanted more then anything to know who I am. I wanted to tell that person my passions, my goals, the truth about what I want. Like every other human being I want happiness, success, security.. all these things that are the natural need of anyone. Most people have the road map to their success, their happiness, their security, but I dont. I have taken each day since I was paused by that question to figure out my passions. I have been searching for the big picture in my life.
Come to find out I am passionate about many things, little things that never really stood out as "passion" worthy. But that is who we all are. We find those small subtle habits in our lives that define the core of our passions. The part of ourselves that reflect our foundation. I never thought I would be passionate about how I apply my make- up or the order in which I tell a story. I hadn't taken the time to find the things others notice about me important or special. Those are the traits within me that are undeniably my biggest fans. Rooting for me to win the battle between good and evil, between ambition and justification.
My whole life I have been driven and motivated by something beyond visibility or even identification. A compilation of the moments that replay in my mind after I lay my head down at night, the words that change how I see a person. Those are the scenes I cross my fingers for because that is the reality behind what I defend. I wish I had the answers, I wish my whole life was a hilarious blog post. But I am accepting that life has its laughs and it has its tears. Finding peace in the loss and holding tight to the sweetness before the goodbyes is how we become okay with whatever curve balls come our way. I am in the decision making stages of my life that can make or break my future. "Finding myself" seems like such a cliche but in all reality that is what I am in search of.. myself. My desires, my passions and my path to a place in my mind where I feel close to what really creates true joy.
You know the middle of the feel good movies where some inspirational song is playing and the bottom ranked team goes to #1 ranked just within the second chorus? The montage that makes every underdog the hero? I need a montage. A chorus. A series of minute long events that change the best possible outcome of my life.
I have recently realized that just a few words or even thoughts can change the actions and complete mindset of a person. As school started again and everyone moved back I would sit in a public place and watch person after person walk by. Each having their own story and background that made them who they are and led them to that exact spot in that exact moment. Do people enter our lives for a small period of time to help us grow? Are they meant to change us forever? Maybe we should treat everyone we meet as a gift to help us discover our weak points and show us the strengths we may not realize.
I have lived on my own one year exactly. I have seen friends disappear from my life, I have watched those around me grow and improve. So much change. Beautiful, uncontrollable differences. Up until a year ago I thought I would always know the familiar people in my life. I struggle with the process of becoming what I need to be. I thought I shaped who I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and in most areas I stand firm in what I believe and do- like religion. But there are constant changes when it comes to certain people in my life. I don't even understand it, I can't bring myself to make a final decision about what will make me the happiest. And I struggle with the question of what matters more, making myself happy or making others happy. I would like to believe that there is a 'happy' medium so to speak. But I am finding out the hard way that's not always the case.
I believe we find the greatest version of ourselves in the midst of change and confusion. Our reaction to the unfamiliar. The things in our heads that we never say out loud. That is where the truth about our hearts hide.
I write what I think but I don't always show it. I say what I want to know but I don't always believe it.
When a lie to myself becomes a truth, I have reason to worry, I have cause to search for meaning.
My passion is myself, my motivation is building what I know I should b
Life is a two-way mirror... What are you seeing.
