Two-way Mirror

ever feel like the life you know is the biggest downfall when growing into the life you want. As a child imagining your future was a game, a wild and perfect fantasy.
Someone once asked me what is my passion. What drives me. I didn't have an answer to that. At that moment I wanted more then anything to know who I am. I wanted to tell that person my passions, my goals, the truth about what I want. Like every other human being I want happiness, success, security.. all these things that are the natural need of anyone. Most people have the road map to their success, their happiness, their security, but I dont. I have taken each day since I was paused by that question to figure out my passions. I have been searching for the big picture in my life.
Come to find out I am passionate about many things, little things that never really stood out as "passion" worthy. But that is who we all are. We find those small subtle habits in our lives that define the core of our passions. The part of ourselves that reflect our foundation. I never thought I would be passionate about how I apply my make- up or the order in which I tell a story. I hadn't taken the time to find the things others notice about me important or special. Those are the traits within me that are undeniably my biggest fans. Rooting for me to win the battle between good and evil, between ambition and justification.
My whole life I have been driven and motivated by something beyond visibility or even identification. A compilation of the moments that replay in my mind after I lay my head down at night, the words that change how I see a person. Those are the scenes I cross my fingers for because that is the reality behind what I defend. I wish I had the answers, I wish my whole life was a hilarious blog post. But I am accepting that life has its laughs and it has its tears. Finding peace in the loss and holding tight to the sweetness before the goodbyes is how we become okay with whatever curve balls come our way. I am in the decision making stages of my life that can make or break my future. "Finding myself" seems like such a cliche but in all reality that is what I am in search of.. myself. My desires, my passions and my path to a place in my mind where I feel close to what really creates true joy.

You know the middle of the feel good movies where some inspirational song is playing and the bottom ranked team goes to #1 ranked just within the second chorus? The montage that makes every underdog the hero? I need a montage. A chorus. A series of minute long events that change the best possible outcome of my life.
I have recently realized that just a few words or even thoughts can change the actions and complete mindset of a person. As school started again and everyone moved back I would sit in a public place and watch person after person walk by. Each having their own story and background that made them who they are and led them to that exact spot in that exact moment. Do people enter our lives for a small period of time to help us grow? Are they meant to change us forever? Maybe we should treat everyone we meet as a gift to help us discover our weak points and show us the strengths we may not realize.

I have lived on my own one year exactly. I have seen friends disappear from my life, I have watched those around me grow and improve. So much change. Beautiful, uncontrollable differences. Up until a year ago I thought I would always know the familiar people in my life. I struggle with the process of becoming what I need to be. I thought I shaped who I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and in most areas I stand firm in what I believe and do- like religion. But there are constant changes when it comes to certain people in my life. I don't even understand it, I can't bring myself to make a final decision about what will make me the happiest. And I struggle with the question of what matters more, making myself happy or making others happy. I would like to believe that there is a 'happy' medium so to speak. But I am finding out the hard way that's not always the case.
I believe we find the greatest version of ourselves in the midst of change and confusion. Our reaction to the unfamiliar. The things in our heads that we never say out loud. That is where the truth about our hearts hide.

I write what I think but I don't always show it. I say what I want to know but I don't always believe it.
When a lie to myself becomes a truth, I have reason to worry, I have cause to search for meaning.
My passion is myself, my motivation is building what I know I should b
Life is a two-way mirror... What are you seeing.

It's all changing. [on a serious note]

ever feel like you're conquering your biggest fear every day? Like what used to threaten your happiness is now building it up to a whole new height? Goodbyes used to scare me to death! I would avoid them like the plague because a goodbye meant a change. A change in how I felt, what I did, who I was... adjusting to something new seems like a challenge but letting go of what was once there is a far more challenging thing. There is a huge gap between being a teen and an adult, there is no one second when you transform. I believe we become adults on the journey to finding ourselves. In taking on responsibility and experiences that may be painful to accept. I am at the bottom of a very steep hill to growing up. The past eight months have been unreal. I have had two jobs (one of which I still have thank goodness) I have taken on so much and the child I was eight months ago is looking at me with wide eyes in amazement. I watch the traffic outside my kitchen window and wonder where each one of those cars is headed. It is so easy to feel insignificant to the world, I'm ten years from an associates, I live paycheck to paycheck, I'm the only single nineteen year old this side of the west hemisphere, and I'm losing my hair [okay I just added that for dramatic effect] but you know what... I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so small in comparison to the world, even Orem, Utah but I'm doing great things for my small existence. That is all any of us can do. I'm realizing every day what is really important, right now is the time to try new things and find myself in the difference of every day. A car payment and rent every month may take up every last dime but the feeling of independence is priceless. The fear of that independence was right up there with my fear of separation but I am doing it. I am making the change that I once turned my head to. The other day someone told me "You just have to be okay with who you are on your own, find the strength in yourself to wake up every morning and decide to be happy," and that is so true. Friends come and go, roommates become your family only temporarily. I just have to be okay with that. As two of my roommates moved out I held back tears and hid the fear of saying goodbye. A great life awaits both of them and I couldn't be happier for them. It took nineteen years to realize this but my fears are selfish. I know now that it is okay to say goodbye, it is alright to change. I shouldn't fear improvement in myself.
I deactivated my facebook for a month and I can't begin to tell you how much I didn't miss it. I made some great friends meanwhile and prioritized everything in my life. I decided to step out of "the loop" and into myself. Every day has had a valuable lesson.
I had to reactivate it so I can stop missing out on family time ;)
This time I mean it when I say I'm back to blogging!
WHOOHOO!
Up coming events:
A segment on customer service :/ never a dull moment in pleasing strangers!
Stay Tuned.

Back on the Horse.

ever feel like one time in an alternate universe you had a blog that had consistent readers? Yeah me too. Except it was this universe, and as for the consistent reader thing...well... not so much. However, the hobby of blogging was becoming very therapeutic. I could complain to people without being charged by the hour. I actually got to the point where I chose to blog over homework, sleep, showering... . . .okay let's get real! Just homework. Well I fell off the face of the blogging earth one day. I drown in a black hole of homework and a new job and being super awesome!!... So here is a brief update on the rad happenings in my over dramatic, struggle to become the next AMERICAN IDOL!!!!WHOOO!
 Uh...
These are the Top 12 Things Worth Bringing Up:
#1: I learned some "pop culture" [a.k.a] Peewee Herman is indeed one white guy. Not two Mexican men.( I may or may not have gotten confused with Cheech & Chong. I have a really good excuse though) Regardless, I am well educated now.
#2: I was voted UVU's Least Graceful Woman 2011. I did mention in my acceptance speech my consecutive & very publicly humiliating episodes of tripping over myself, ripping my jeans and bluntly waving to people I know, but who clearly didn't feel mutual. :/
#3: I was employed and quit/got fired within two months from the national unmatching, blast from the hideous past, "Fashion Forward" clothing store Forever21. I spent my 8 hour shifts patting down hangers in the entire store and it so conveniently happens to be the largest store in the mall next to Macy's. I was sure lovin' my new style consisting a mixture of  purple cotton socks, red leather pants, black lace top, a green scarf, a grey fedora, a brown vest and  a HUGE smile :/ not...lets just say I am again on the job hunt... in normal clothes.
#4: Brunette is the new blonde.
#5: I'm of legal age to purchase tobacco in the state of Utah. I think?
#6: It is now the year of the end of the world...
#7: I had a life changing experience that helped me realize.. I'm broke!![The Laundry Endeavor.. needless to say $1.25 for a wash is outrageous! I was being thrifty by checking the couch cushions for loose change... judge as you may]
#8: I missed the universal proposal day! All my friends are getting married and just because I slept in I don't get to send out announcements informing relatives to come back even though they were just here four months ago for my High School Graduation. Darn. Oh well I can just try again next year when this years seniors get married.
#9: I have become an avid and accomplished maker of bunt cakes.. HA. No just guacamole. I don't bake anything that requires more then these two steps..pour and stir.
#10: My family moved and didn't leave a forwarding address...
#11: I was kidding about the forwarding address. But they did move.
#12: I have watched so many episodes of friends I caught myself considering asking Ross out for a drink at the Central Perk....
[I won't even attempt to explain myself on that one]

Okay well I guess barely even 2 of those were worth mentioning.. ha. Well I just got a laugh out of how much of your time I just wasted with that sad excuse of a list. Clearly the raw material that deserves it's own reality T.V. series. So much more potential then the life updates of three filthy, filthy rich sisters.

On a more serious note...
 is where you write serious things. :)
So lets get into the talk of the new year.
365 Days. What do we all plan to do this year? Lose weight, Get a raise at work, Get your associates degree, Work on your relationship, Paint the house, Travel the country.
Well These are a joke in my life.
Lose weight: Easy.. there is no food in the house, I have no choice.
Get a raise: Get a job.
Associates: Ha! with my math classes alone I will be in school until it's no one's business.
As for the relationship: I don't even need to bother for two years :( Some would consider me lucky!
The house: is an apartment.
And Travel: Yeah!... Yes I'm gonna do it! :)  See ya!
............ . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .
We all know that won't happen. For two important reasons 1: Duh! and 2: I get motion sick when I look up too fast. Yes look.
So I am back on the horse now. Back to blogging and my dreams of becoming a famous blogist, blogger... whatever.
I hope you all had lovely holidays and this is my belated Christmas present to you :) I'M BACK!

Oh you know..just bein' a Bum.

ever feel like such a bum? I do!.. . . right now.. and yesterday and the last almost 19 years of my under productive life.  As I sit here listening to "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt [Yeah my Celine Dion Pandora radio station] not only am I feeling a little awkward considering the background music but I all the sudden am having an epiphany! Growing up is fun! but it sucks too. It must be the Refreshing Freedom! but then there's the endless responsibility.. or the Fabulous Freedom! with a side of bills, or all of the great Freedom! not to mention all the great stresses of wondering what to wear to find a man to take all the responsibilities and to pay all the bills. Ahh there's the main priority! I remember telling myself " When I'm in collage I'll wear all the newest most trendy clothes and shop for food at the health food store!" HA! Amazing how reality kicks you right in the face! Yes, you can recently find me at the local 32nd ward "munch and mingle" twice a month stocking my pockets, purse and depending on the main course my bra.  I'm in the 39th ward. But I don't mind shaking someone else's bishop's hand for next weeks dinner. Didn't you hear stake activities are the new health food store :/ I have to laugh when I look through my closet. Remember the newest trends I was going to have? Me either! I suppose what I do have can be mistaken for a $260.95 Buckle tissue paper in the right light. I mean I couldn't even blow my nose on the material they make you take out a loan to purchase. So when I look into my closet I see.. . . . Nothing. Then I look down into the packed bucket containing a very waded up mixture of 'clean', 'dirty', and 'still smalls clean' laundry. And yes, laundry bucket is the new closet! Anyway, I have become better at the 'sniff, shake and spray' method then I care to admit. Let's just say I am looking forward to hoodie season. There's that life altering issue. which is more dramatic then needed but I am on the freshman slacker program which means the few times a semester I actually do laundry, it's with daddy's quarters. Hence me on the constant job search!
Applying for a job is a joke in this town due to the two colleges within such a small area. Not to mention the more righteous competition down the hill.. . . . So on that note.. . . . I am unemployed, broke and using a 2 in 1 shampoo/ conditioner combo. I asked my dad what I should be for Halloween and he so cleverly responded with this gem of an answer " Rich." He has always had such creative costume ideas. I will just throw on my knock-off tissue paper V-neck and call it good since I am living on my dad's pocket book for now. oh I'm rich alright! Rich with love for the college life!
I pride myself on mastering the art of survival. It's a method I like to call the 'Smile, Share, To-Go Box, Call' Allow me to break it down for you: You Smile and get his attention... you Share your number.. Share your time and go to dinner... grab a To-Go Box.. then Call it a success and Call it a night! This is usually great for weekends when you already spent your allowance from dad on a triple run to Yogurt Land at midnight. But it is key to remember: buffets are usually taboo! you can  only eat so much in one sitting and you cannot take anything to go for tomorrows lunch! Tragic I know! Luckily if you can peg the right guy they won't even consider the buffet :) That's the beauty of such a large variety of men! I guess everything has its ups and down. The down side to the diversity of men is the ratio: for every normal guy there are six unbearably weird ones. Yes I have on occasion eves dropped on the wrong conversation between two.. . . . odd individuals. There is never a dull moment during my day.
Funny how in a small town like Richfield [where I grew up and went to school] I always tried to look good! But then I relocate to a big city full of opportunity and new people and I don't bother to wash my hair regularly. Why am I not putting all my energy into making a good rep for myself?? These are the questions I must ask myself as a college student. It is definitely one of the two options: 1) The uncontrolled result of being so overwhelmed with the pressures of adulthood and growing into a responsible, well rounded citizen? or 2) Faith that no matter how bad you look there is someone out there who adores the fact you just rolled out of bed and spent more time reheating last nights pizza for breakfast than brushing your hair? hmmm? It's safe to say I fall under #2! I have yet to meet another soul [aside from my roommate Amy/Emily] who assists me in populating the 2nd option. I suppose I should say I am slowly, very slowly.. but surely getting to #1!! And hey if not well.. . . . I always heard it's the thought that counts.. . . . Okay bad example of that cliche.
And now in conclusion I would like to say that I am learning the ways of a college student.. . . . granted they aren't the more classy nor effective of the adaptation methods but I vow to one day be organized, prepared and only attend my own ward "munch and mingle"...Ha!
Okay don't bet on that last one :)

My second Family! [and the more exciting one in my opinion]

Ever feel like the world is expecting a great blog from you? The problem is I don't have that exciting of a life. I am just a friendless, jobless and hilariously clueless college girl with too many class fees, past due assignments and non effective acne creams:/ Therefore, the pressure's on to find some new life changing topics to charm all the star-struck readers back home! Then I thought to myself... I have something AMAZING to blog about, right in front of me! How could I be so foolish?! She goes by the name of Amy Lindsay Heslop. Also known as Khloe, Alice, Emily, and Ames. What an entertaining read... my roommate in all her glory! I say cheers! "Cheers to the freakin' weekend" traditionally blasting on University Parkway, Cheers to the all night Mexican food binges, to every weird and genius plot to cause epic awkward on the shuttle, to the men we so intently discuss as if we have a chance, to the 'under 20 mentality' jokes we constantly crack and are the only two laughing, and most importantly cheers to the short month and a half we have known each other! We burp and announce bodily functions way to openly! NOTHING is sacred anymore. I must say sleeping in the same room as a complete stranger is rather bonding. Her insane grandpa snore can really encourage roommate affection--not!...... I think I could make a fortune by charging people to enter the "who's snore is it anyway" contest in apartment A1235. I could even cleverly hold it at 12:35 a.m. while Emily--oh.. . . .  I mean Amy is sleeping! Okay, bad idea! Granted it would be a Village weeknight hit! But I love her to much to expose her to such a crowd, Especially in our room.. . . . that would require me to clear a path.. . . . That's not happening... sooooo back to brainstorming. I do appreciate her though mostly cause she actually uses the stove! for something more then ramen too! Fabulous isn't it. There is never a dull nor hungry moment around this girl. Not only is the home-cooked meal a perk but she cleans up her mess as well! They don't make them like that anymore. She is indeed a gem. Partake:

That's Amy Heslop! Creepin behind me as usual! ;)

Me and Amy indeed have quite the times! College is an unpredictable world! We pretty much own it! mhmm.. yeah okay we are at the bottom of the totem pole at this point.. but I hear admitting it is the first step in overcoming it!? We intend to be a big deal someday!
I have a whole new family up here! There is a constant inside joke hovering in the air! I can't even tell you how lively our apartment is until 4 a.m. I have met more people from the 'knock and walk' system in my house then I could even imagine meeting in the halls of the university. Of course 96.3% of these random introductions in my living room are with the male species [not that I'm complaining] It's fun to walk out of the shower in nothing but a towel and dripping hair to a herd of returned missionaries.. Nothing like it :/ But if you knew my roommates well enough you would definitely understand how 'regular Joe' it is to have a tell all see all lifestyle. It has been grand central station day in and day out around here! [Huge adjustment for me. Back home having company at the house meant someone passed away or... well... let's just say we never had very happy visitors] I have become rather comfortable with the endless traffic of diverse men.  I suspect because of my five Beautiful, PSYCHO and yet Fabulous roommates, each having their own 'special' traits.
Take Rhiannon for example.. She is originally from England and she actually has a real [non 007] accent! You know the one all american boys will drool at the thought of?? Yeah! Let's just say she is very popular in the complex , especially with her many and rare experiences living abroad! She parades quite the variety of men through the apartment.. recently its the Marine :) Oh Yum!..anyway.. Then there is Randi.. The accomplished wedding planner/business woman, the petite busy-body with a charm no guy could resist! Who wouldn't chase a catch like that! Let's not forget Lauren.. The hilariously cultured, walking contradictory of stereotypes. I cant remember a time in the last month and a half I haven't completely died of laughter in her presence.. I especially adore some of her very 'coffee shop' habits like: actually driving to Barnes & Noble with full intent to sit down and read, and enjoy it!! Cute right! And my personal favorite.. "going for sushi" Yes! she actually finds the best place in town, suits up and "goes for sushi!" I am loving it! I feel like I am in an episode of 'Friends' with a better wardrobe around this one! There isn't a mixture of words to describe the next little treat in the apartment.. Carly.. anything I say about Carly will be an insulting understatement to her constant 24/7 mobile volume, her permanent smile and her intense gift to flip her thick brown hair while dominating the room, regardless of its size or its college student capacity. Then there is me and the one and only Amy, Emily, Khloe, Alice and Ames Heslop!  I have found it a true blessing to live with these priceless P.M.S.ing treasures! Not to mention their 7 dwarfs EACH. This is the only math you will see me do so you may want to take note of it: 5x7=35 men per day in this poor apartment. And on rare occasion there is one there for me :/. At any rate the personalities, looks and mental stability of this plethora range from boy to R.M., peter to perv, tomato to tomato, dumb to dumber and smokin' hot to just smokin' pot. Classy I know.
And I thought Sevier county had it all.. . . .
However, there are those bonding moments when the door and the windows are wide open; the cool, rainy air is flowing in and we are making fresh avocado while Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes is quietly serenading the roomies but annoying me in the background [Dad, this is where I apply your famous words "Suffer in Silence"]Aside from that ...Those are the true bonding moments... Those are the times "I'm Lovin' the mood!" :) I wouldn't trade my 2nd family for anything or anyone.. . . . except Chad Micheal Murray.. . . . or a new car.. . . . and $50 in gas for the new car..or even $50 in gas for my car!
Hey it's every man for himself!....

Actually judging by the track record in this apartment I think it's safe to say there isn't a single man by himself!.. . .   Shoot I'm funny.

From left to right: Rhiannon (English)
Randi(Successful) Carly (Psycho) Amy (Fabulous)
Lauren (Trendy) Me (Duh!:)





<3

Men... such characters.

ever feel like you want to be the 'Allie' in some 'Noah's' life? Or have Danny and Rafe fight to win your affections? umm yeah...me either :/ Okay. Yes I do. I think every girl has this dream at one point or another. I have been in the 'college' world for one month and almost two weeks! Sounds not long but I feel like I have been here for a good six months. Anyway in the short time I have been up here, two hours away from home, I have had the privilege of meeting every possible version of man. Let's explore! The Tom Hanks: subtle,sweet yet slightly but tolerably awkward. The sexy, popular Tom Cruise with the "girlfriend" on one arm while blowing a kiss to the girl from C1218 with the other. Let's not forget the Johnny Depp, who is clearly the rustic sexy, mysterious but surprisingly stands alone. I have come across an occasional Matt Damon: to hot for his own good with only one interest, and its not woman, it's unfortunately his career... Yes! big disappointment for the herd of drooling girls he unconsciously avoids. The Vin Diesel: Strong, straight faced and fearless..Doesn't say much but Great bod though. ;) Luckily I met the gem Jack Black: most "Friend Zone" worthy guy in the world, while being hilariously charming at the same time. And my personal favorite.. The Chad Micheal Murray: Let's just pay our respects for a second...yum!

AHAAalala! This is the type of man who is subtle, and almost irritatingly nonchalant [I would also give my first born for him.] The BEAUTiFUL, quiet one who makes you work so hard for the least amount of convo possible. And funny thing is I know that. However, I do the work anyway... Yeah I can't explain it either. These types of guys are few and far between and are of precious value because of these honorable qualities: 

1. SOOO HOT! mhmm.. anyway.

2. There is a certain careless, relaxed charm about them, but they know when and what to care about

3. Unexpectedly brilliant

4. Discrete about their feelings which leaves you daydreaming 

5. Drama does not exist in their world... yeah I don't believe it either!

7. Thinking about them makes me lose count..

6. They have a subconsciously hidden sensitive side<3

8. They mean what they say. 

All these qualities and more make up the man I deem as Just a Dream. Why, you ask? Because while walking toward this guy I attempt [and epically fail] at making flirty eye contact more then I care to admit. And I fail because he doesn't notice the female species..ever..

So there was a point to my blog today..

Too bad I don't remember what it is..

Oh right! Men. There are so many types out there. 

Someone asked me the other day my type. I had such a complex answering this question. My preferred type and my actual type are two different things. I couldn't sit somewhere [the Hall of Flags for instance] and just point at "my type." There are the guys who walk the walk but don't talk the talk or they talk the talk but don't walk the walk so I'm just never certain. They might even talk the walk or walk the talk so really having a "Type" is just an ongoing experiment filled with awkward hugs, bad sushi and on Monday taking the long way to class. College boys can be a blessing but they can be a problem too. I ran into the Mormon version of Eminem last week and I must say some guys have quite the personality. And that's putting it mildly. 

I have always been a tad boy crazy! I like looking at all sorts of men but I will never walk up and pursue them, for a few reasons. 1) I don't go out of my way to meet guys, too lazy! 2) Sometimes you have to play hard to get & 3)They are good looking but you know they know how pretty they are so I decide to just spare my self esteem the swift kick and carry on! In my 18 years of life I have only had three guys approach me and ask for my number..odd?? haha umm...

Boys are daily becoming bigger pansies about the whole 'Alfa Male' concept! It's sad! They don't work for the girl they want anymore. If she isn't convenient she is just another dusty contact in his cell. 

I am pretty sure I am an amateur when it comes to men. So I will keep learning and keep blogging about it! ha! Out of the many characters I have met up here there hasn't been one who I didn't adore for his own special..ness?? 

Okay Ladies one last word of advice: Don't try to understand men, Don't expect special treatment until you get it and men are players.. learn to 'Play the Game!" ;)

CREEPIN' [no one appreciates the art these days]

ever feel like creepin'? I am currently in the popular "Hall of Flags" at Utah Valley University [a.k.a. the college student cat walk] and as the traffic of diverse walking victims stroll by I can't help but take the opportunity and cause awkward vibes! It's fabulous! Like this guy here with his huge backpack eating his weight in deli meat, or the three wanna-be runway models scoring an embarrassing Zero on the 'how you wear your heels' scale. I am pretty sure I have never found entertainment this good and for so cheap! BONUS! One of the perks of a college life for sure!
I have decided there is one ultimate gem in creation of a classic 'cricket' moment. You know the to often experience where there is that mutual silence and discomforting feeling between two strangers? Yes! It's pure Gold!!! The trick to achieving this peak of weird is the unusual yet constant and confident head turning gaze. When that person feels your eyes dig into the deepest depths of their vulnerable soul!!!.. . . . Well really they just notice you starring at them, then that is when you must not falter! Stay strong, consistent and comfortable with the fact that you may ruin someones day by making them feel as though the whole world is giving them the stink eye [which, by the way, I don't understand. What does the stink eye even look like? I think it is more of a stink face or a stink complete being. But I wont comment further on the subject] Anyway, now that the target has seen you looking at them and the dreaded eye contact is made you must flash the show stopping 'no teeth+big eye+stiff hand, mini wave' Combo! This is not easily done for the untrained hallway creeper. However, with the right location and a 'creep master' who appreciates a good long disturbing second, the widely desired skill can be conquered! I must say there are some indeed interesting people in the world. I must also mention the vital step prior to the rarely accomplished creep moment I am describing here. The selection of the victim.. . . . This is a crucial time prior to the eye contact that you must master. Sit mid-hallway, continuously looking left and right for a fresh herd of meat, [Just a word of advice to the more advanced creep: don't have anything on your lap, don't look busy and be up straight.] This helps you maintain the " Ha! Yes I am just sitting here to make you feel weird," look, and most importantly... smiles are forbidden until the prime moment! As you scan the hall for some good prey look for the three signs of insecurity.
1: They are alone.
2: The are carrying the maximum amount of baggage. (backpack, laptop, longboard preferably)
3: They look like they have somewhere to be. (This way their eyes are scanning & scanning, giving you a good in.)
Now as the poor helpless prey approaches look at them with deep intent. They will feel your gaze and do one of three things. They will either look at you and look away quickly hoping you didn't notice, They will look at you with a straight calm face and give you the nod [but in the back of their head freaking because a complete creep is eyeing them down] or, on the slight chance they have the guts and confidence enough, they will flash the same beautiful look at you that you are pulling on them. Great Moment when you connect with a fellow creeper! I live for this moment! Lesson plan over.
TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS!
AS FOR THE SECOND SECTION OF MY BLOG TODAY!
. . . . . . . . . . . . .There isn't one. (:

Looking Back...

ever feel like one of the biggest laughs you can have is a walk down memory lane? Me too!  I especially enjoy the journals! Re-reading my hilarious and rather pathetic middle school journals has to be one the most entertaining and embarrassing past times. I can definitely say I caused more drama for myself then I care to admit. The honest truth is, as middle school kids we are in the typical and well-known 'AWKWARD' stage. Every kid experiences this unfortunate and sometimes publicly humiliating age. Some never grow out of it [you know who you are! ok Joke!] Luckily most of us are easing into semi-normal mode around freshman year. The amount of recovery we have all depends on our exposure to social events and things of that nature. Living in the 'Series of Unfortunate Events' volume: Sigurd, meant I was doomed to be a social outcast forever! And it's all to evident in my journals and my harsh pictures. Let's go back in time for a second and paint a lovely image of Shannell in elementary school then in middle school.
 From head to toe.
Try not to judge!
Butt crack part to a flat slicked down bob cut, snaggle tooth complimented by my over-sized ears and turtleneck. This is a fun intro.. . . .now to my non-matching light blue overalls with pink and pale orange striped knee high socks. Yes I was also the perfect vision of thin sporting my cage and double chin [that rhymed. cute.]  I am certain every boy within 20 miles wanted me! HA!But No, the awkward personality wasn't bad enough I had to look like something from the human version of the 'Ugly Duckling' on steroids! :/ However, as hopeless as I clearly was I cleaned up quite nicely by the seventh grade. I was weaving real blonde through my hair, styling my hair and flaunting it. My style became all trendy name brand clothes and I had the attitude of a Hollywood diva. Boys were beginning to flock to me! Now let's keep in mind these are seventh and eighth grade boys which detracts from the magic of the scene but stay with me here. Before this mighty transformation, my problem was merely being the last, most socially and physically uncoordinated girl placed on the co-ed dodge ball team after the team captain begging otherwise in front of the whole class... Yeah, a sensitive time. But now, I was the new hot talk of the boys locker room. A high honor? Why Yes!! Indeed! I was 'asked out' daily! [a.k.a. invited to tell all my friends I had a boyfriend but really never talked to or had the guts to even look at in the routine passing] Regardless, the esteemed position of being a 'girlfriend' was the war of the little people and I was on the market, so to speak. I was in and out of relationships with 'popular' boys for months. With all the self inflicted drama, gossip and the all to famous plethora of notes webbed from friend to ex, from ex to cousin, from cousin to the current, to his friend, his friends girlfriend, and on and so forth. We all had something to say! I was eating up the attention and constant creation of more drama! I'm not sure why we loved it so much but my group of friends had being ruthless down to a science.
This became a way of life. Turning me into a ugly, mean little girl with a bad attitude and boyfriend waiting list. Looking back at it now I would have been better off being the human duckling with a bad haircut! I didn't have one genuine friend and heaven knows I didn't have one genuine 'boyfriend,' obviously, since it was the 'going out' way to not speak or make eye contact with your 'boyfriend/girlfriend.' By the beginning of freshman year I had chosen drama over friendships and was now isolated and back to the maggot at the bottom of the food chain using better fashion sense.
Now that I am graduated and out of the small community that trains their youths' opinions of people, I have to just laugh at where my priorities were. I have the notes from the soap opera times of my life and it was a completely different girl writing those harsh words. I didn't value friendships or respect my peers like I was pretending to. Life evaluation can be a scary and brutal thing!
Looking back I am ashamed and humiliated at my childish behavior due to the valueless standards of middle school. I'm so glad I had the reformation I did! Can't go wrong growing up!
Your turn to take a jaunt down memory lane!

<3 stay gold!

p.s. Planner update: It is actually getting easier to jot down my necessary duties and obligations but I am still struggling with referring back to it [so basically it's pointless] This may be a similar problem for others as well. Let me know if you have a possible solution (:

Pro at the Intro...

ever feel like you need a name tag? A big bold sticker on your forehead containing the words 'Shannell, Building A, and yes, I have a Facebook." College is a lot of books, responsibility and a lot of awkward introductions! In order to survive you must master the art. In the last month I have met the same twenty four people at least twice a week and I still can't remember their names. Picture me, recognizing someone walking towards me in the hall and trying to get their attention by shouting out every detail about them except their name. "Hey Belt Buckle Guy!," "Oh, um yeah the girl with the sexy boyfriend!" :/ and my personal favorite, "You're the guy who's lap I accidentally became rather familiar with on the bus... twice. Yeah hi?" Yes! There have indeed been some less than graceful encounters with the dailys, not to mention the countless random one timers. Those aren't as painful as making a fabulous first impression and a fabulous second impression and a fabulous third impression and fourth and fifth and etc etc. You get the point. I'm pretty sure there should be a handbook on introductions... Within the last 24 hours I have 'met' 9 people I will hopefully meet again tomorrow and for the next week in order to remember their first name. I was told once that when I am introduced to someone I should relate something about them I will remember to their name. I have tried that... I have failed that. The one thing I find to relate ends up redirecting to what I want for dinner or wondering who really did see me slip and slide down the stairs in the computer science building. So the decision was made to not even bother thinking anything while trying to pick up someones name. If I end up running into them later [which is 90% of the time] then they must be worth asking what their name is again.
Basically I am here to say that everywhere at every time in our life we will meet new people and there is no way to make it less awkward... well besides looking down before you sit on the bus. That might improve your ability to say "Hello whats your name?" without apologizing for smashing his comfort zone with your butt. Regardless.. I have made a career out of creating widely awkward situations for everyone on the bus, in the hallway, subway and pretty much my every pathway. And in doing so, opening all new and unexpected doors to conversation that might not otherwise been started. Granted they are started at my expense... but I suppose it's the small price to pay for a common ice breaker... and in my case a guaranteed reputation breaker. Believe me as much as it sounds like it I am not the biggest loser on campus. I'm the biggest dweeb on campus but we don't talk about that. As far as creepers go I haven't made top 10 yet! I consider that an A++ on the freshman social scale(:
I have, however, had the high honor of meeting the all to common men with this sign taped to their chest:

Tell me that's not screaming 'Total Babe!' When you enter into a place with a diverse variety of people this 'charming approach' may tickle someones fancy! There are the smooth talkers, the ones who say it all with a look and then of course you have the 'yeah I couldn't hide what I'm really thinking with a 4 ft wall' people [a.k.a] like me. This is the unfortunate and non preferred, permanent sign on my chest:

Well it goes without saying... I should be hanging out with the 'Intense Researchers of Individuals.'

Deciding how to approach an introduction can be tricky though. Should I be myself [overbearing, loud and sarcastic]?? Fake the 'Bad Girl' scene to either attract the wrong group or deflect the right one, Do I put on the 'happy go lucky' face with smiles and polite comments or should I completely shut down and avoid ever meeting anyone ever again!?!? HA! I can't help but meet people, ironically, in the 'cynical, you're an easy target for criticism, p.s. Hi I'm Shannell by the way' mode. This method doesn't seem to have the highest rating on the upfront friendly scale. Shocker! It is a strong belief of mine that we will always have someone who likes us and we will always have someone who dislikes us. So why not be the person they remember either way!(: Just talk loud in public, sing the songs you know and feed off awkward intros!!! 

Planner 101= Success! Stay tuned for detes!

Perspective of Change.

ever feel like you could predict your life for the next 20 years? Down to your breakfast menu on July 17th next year, or how the weather will be on the night of May 5th 2029... Day to day routines can make us feel like machines, like we are mechanically programmed to stay in the scheduled yawn forever, leaving us with a clear and sad vision of what our life will be. Right?.. . . . WRONG! People change, feelings change, hearts, minds and hair colors change. Nothing about life is set in stone. From the time we can recognize it, our lives are constantly, and ironically changing. Lives can transform for the best or they can suddenly turn for the worst! Lately I have tasted a little bit of both.
I went home for the first time since I moved this weekend.. . . . I am not sure how to express the, dare I say, shock of how much the place I grew up had changed. Eighteen years and the most dramatic update was the changing of Albertson's to 'Fresh Market.' The mood and general chi was all wrong! I felt as though the doors to my future had closed. Opportunities dissolving with every 24 hour restaurant Richfield doesn't have. Looking at the small town I called home.. . . . Watching the friends I once knew so well move out and on with their dreams.. . . . realizing the harsh world waits for no one! Ready or not here change comes! For instance.. . . . .
 You know home has changed when you come to visit and your greeting gift is the envious duty of cleaning out the attic! or you end up frantically filling your back seat with arm fulls of your precious childhood stuffed animals because the house is undergoing insanity-based 'spring cleaning,' saving all their lives!  [yes, I will be driving around with the stuffed animal kingdom's entire population in my back seat] No big deal. Just feeling like Noah.. . . . I had another slow and painful change when I entered Amish country [a.k.a. Sevier County] without Wi-Fi. I was so worried about my millions of faithful blog readers having withdrawals due to the lack of my daily blog post. ;) Being deprived of the internet actually opened my eyes to how much I waste time with Facebook and all the useless addictions I have picked up. Some changes can completely alter who you planned on being. However, the altered you may be the unexpected hero/ heroine you were searching for! We will never know unless we sit back, holding to a controlled variable, and let the change happen. I am not so great at this simple concept. Change is my worst enemy, one of my biggest fears and at the same time my antidote for complete self destruction!!!                        [pause for dramatic effect]                        Okay a little much... But small changes have really helped me stay sane in my life. I have the urge to do eXtreme RADICAL things!!! Such as these crazy unheard of things: I either rearrange furniture, chop my hair off or dump my current boyfriend.. . . . Two of which ruin my life! :/ You know how intense moving the couch can be ;).. . . .We all have different ideas about change. We cope in our own ways. You might put on 10 pounds or add that to your rep in the weight room. Regardless.. change will happen, it can help your life or hinder your progress.
It all depends on your perspective!

P.S.
As far as my planner goal goes.. ha! shockingly I already lost it. But have no fear I bought a new one and I'm starting fresh!(: I will keep you updated on my new found adultness ;)

To each his own...

ever feel like you are the ultimate slacker? The one who, in a class dedicated to study, completely voices that you never have nor ever will sincerely study.  I can't necessarily say I'm proud of it [although, I am so open about it I am positive the class has silently deemed me 'the prep'...potential failure of the college world] My nonexistent habit of studying is not due to a lack of trying. I have indeed attempted...well once.(: Okay it's not for everyone. However, it is socially frowned upon to not go to college. And to preferably gain a bachelor's degree at the least. So I enrolled in the 'College Student Success' class as recommended. One of the key points of the class is to establish good study habits and time management. Yeah.. Huge damper on my semi-effective...Okay let's be honest... my rarely effective method called Organized Chaos. But I decided to have an open mind and explore the subject since that is what intelligent college students do. Typically, I googled 'Time management method for unproductive people.' Shockingly... the results = a big fat zero! Why is that? Oh yeah! because it is common knowledge that diverse personality types have different life styles. Of course there is no google info for such a crazy idea as an organized planner for procrastinators/rationalizers! [a.k.a] ME! It would be super contradictory if there was. So I gathered my lovely thoughts on the matter...This is what I came up with? :/

The only checklist I will ever use(:

 HaHa Yeah! Welcome to the careless mind of an erratic! As for my priorities, spontaneity and adventure win over logic by a landslide! Clearly, searching deep for my inner organized, 'check list' personality won't help me with this quest to discover my [questionable] inner adult. I suppose shifting gears may help. I do have a profound, somewhat responsible droplet in me, believe it or not. I just tuck it away to preserve the fun, 'dumb blonde' persona I have worked so hard and bleached regularly to maintain ;)

We all progress at different speeds.

I do think about qualities needed to accomplish my goals... I just struggle following through. Every person has their own idea about what brings success. Mine is just a little unorthodox... okay let's face it, with my academic priority level  I was lucky to graduate high school! Nevertheless I did, and I plan on graduating college. I doubt my laid back, cross my fingers, fly by the seat of my pants habits will get me through this time. I do however have one little trick that will never fail me regardless if my professors do or not. Drum Roll Please..............................

CUTE RIGHT!(:

"There is a test today? Worth 1/3 of my grade?" ha! Story of my life but I have learned that stressing and being angry at myself for not preparing better will only make the situation worse. Just brush it, flush it and carry on. The salutatorian from my high school once said, "Some people are smart at different things," and how right he is! But I still realize I have to do certain things to get all I can out of my college experience. I need to find the important things and make a plan to accomplish them [by important I do not mean hair appointments or texting that cute boy in apartment E]
You know when you become so consumed with the regular flow of your life... numb to daily difference because of structured expectations?. . . it happens to everyone. Sometimes I wonder.. is the person who we portray ourselves to be.. the real us? Are those checklist type of people dying to show their careless freedom? Are the erratic people secretly check-marking listed boxes? We become what is thought to be the only form of a successful student, parent, athlete or Wendy's employee. Whatever it is our interests drive us to do, I can't help but imagine what new and bright personalities are trapped within a 'scheduled' being.
I am going to experiment with my inner adult ;) I'm going to use a planner for 1 month and i will report back.

           

It will require discipline but If we don't try something new we can't become or renew who we want to be.

10/21/2011

I will be an organized woman!

[but no guarantees] ;)

The GENESIS...

"Blog"... a word I commonly heard, but just like scores to last weeks college football game it went in one ear and out the other. But still, here I am [with a rather awesome blog if I do say so myself] surprisingly enjoying the wide opportunities to talk about myself(: Who wouldn't eat that up? Basically I struggled with a name for my online venting sesh. I was leaning toward something involving Murphy's Law "If something can go wrong, it will,"but more cleverly stated of course! While in the process of creating my Fab blog, Brilliant ideas were flowing in on what I could write about/ what to name my blog. I  decided on the now published name at the switch of the light in my head. By titling this "ever feel like..." It gives the readers a way to connect and relate certain experiences to their lives.
We all have accidentally got in the wrong car; yelled someone's name and waved to a stranger; slipped, tripped and ate some serious crap with a very attentive audience. [you are picturing it in your head right now] I think sometimes we feel like the only dweeb out there but truth be told...you are. Just kidding! Everyone does embarrassing things, we all go through emotionally stressful times and I am here to vent and connect! Life is full of  'ever feel like' moments. Lets feel like it together!
So Welcome and Enjoy! :)